The END

Grax and I will be watching 2012 later today, from the teaser trailers it looks like another "day after tomorrow" kinda end of the world as we know it... It has been like ages since I made a post here, mainly because being in a new job on a very different culture like Singapore makes me sometimes feel like my world is ending everyday, my wife often points out that this is all because I was spoiled rotten in my last employment where I have autonomy to every decision I make work wise. Being a foreigner for hire makes it a bit difficult to negotiate certain employment perks, mainly because I need to be employed to be able to stay here, if not I will only be allowed 30 days to stay as a tourist and will not be eligible for any part time or short term jobs. But the competition is stiff and the offers aren't overflowing so you grab what you can and hope for the best.

I've also decided to put up a new web site for my budding freelancing career, I bought the domain a few months ago thinking that I will have a few weeks free time during my transition period from my first job here, but I was temporarily hired by a client of mine to whom I was freelancing with at the time and I'm still with them. My side project is moving but sluggishly and with no definite direction or estimated time of completion.



I've been working on 12 hour shifts + weekends this past couple of weeks, and the movie well see later will be my only safety line back to reality because when your working all the time for long periods there is always a tendency that you forget what life is all about, "I work to live and not the other way around..."

Hopefully it wouldn't be a bust, I love John Cusack from the teeny bopper flicks "Sure Thing", "Say Anything", to the dark films like "Identity" and "1408". Anyway I just want to be teleported to a place where work is insignificant which makes me think, it would be catastrophic when the world ends, but when it comes and it catches you behind your desk typing on the keyboard inside your cubicle that would be the tragic end of the faceless man.

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A Storm is Brewing

Hold on? or let go, how do we know when the time is up? That we've exhausted all our resources as human beings to absorb emotional conflicts? There are certain things in life that once broken can never be fixed, an emotional death is like the real death when it passes it can never come back. No reason or logic can be sufficient for us to understand this, all I know is that the effects on each individual is different and I may not be an expert on this but I am suffering from it. And all I have is this space to share my sorrow, I'm in mourning... I'm angry... enraged... I feel betrayed and there is nothing I can do about it but go on... live my life like nothing is wrong, because it can never be right ever again.

Why me? I'm not special I'm just a regular person and just like everyone else I'm not equipped to face the storm that is brewing inside of me. We all suffer from feelings like happiness, love, anger and hate, I have the three except happiness. I will never be complete again, the void that this created is too big to be filled up by time unless I live to be more than a hundred. And who wants that!?

I guess it is time, for me to give back to life what I have taken from it, it's been a great ride. I'm not saying that I wont do it all over again because that's what we do with life we live through it, despite all the nasty things that happens to us while were alive even if it means being a living dead. Eat, Sleep, Go to Work, Have Fun and Suffer...

I did not invite you here, but if you happen to be passing by, Welcome to my Emotional Funeral...

As the closest person who have contact with my emotions, I have a few things to say about it before I let it rest in peace...

My emotion was always fragile as long as I can remember, we had good times together, we played a lot as kids sharing my innocence, getting into fights, making new friends... During my teens it got complicated, always angry and resentful of everything we do or done to us, trying to take charge of me so I let it bully me for awhile. As we got older it learned to mellow out, it found a new life so to speak and we were happy and content. It was the good times for us. I thought we will be together for the rest of my life. But it got sick somehow and it's all my fault, we agreed to never invest on any one thing, because that's how you get emotional cancer with disappointments. That was how we did it after we gained more understanding of life we never give out everything to be protected, so that if we lose on one thing we still have a few left that we can allow to grow. But one day I convinced my emotion that life is all about risks and it wouldn't be living if were always playing it safe. We needed to be strong and let go of our fears. That's how it got sick, because of me... I shared my emotions to the last person I thought would harm it. But I'm not sorry because my emotion lived a full life and found happiness before it was taken from me. My tears no longer has a taste, we are here to say goodbye to my emotion and as a parting gift I will leave you the flavor of my tears so that wherever you may roam you will have a piece of me with you. No more suffering you are free from all feelings, and though in time I may fill the void that you will leave it would never be enough for me to forget you, it would never be enough for me to be complete. Thank You I'm letting you go.

And to all who came, welcome to the winter of my discontent...

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